'Tis the Season

If there's one thing I hate, it's crowds. And I seem to spend an inordinate chunk of my life wading through them. Yesterday, Mrs. Roadie and I threw caution to the wind and joined the roving hordes of shoppers trying to finish their Christmas shopping (or in the case of the average American male, start their shopping). We trudged through various malls and stores. It was an all day affair. The only fun thing about it is being entertained by the oddballs that seemingly come out of the woodwork during the holiday season.

Wandering the stores and getting stuck behind people wearing novelty sweatshirts and antlers tends to suck the Christmas spirit out of me at the speed of light. I bet they have an outfit for every holiday, but Christmas is when they really get to let it all hang out. I was in the Dallas airport a couple of weeks ago and the senior citizen volunteers that man the information booth were sporting Rudolph noses that actually lit up, and enormous antlers (we're talking 5 point buck). They should've had their "greatest generation" membership cards revoked.

Occasionally you'll see a whole family gleefully "kitted out" in the lamest of holiday attire (there's always one kid who looks distraught. He knows his life is over if someone from school sees him). It's not enough for the parents to make fools of themselves, but do they have "pay it forward" and drag the children into it? I always find myself wondering about what these people do for a living. Aren't they worried that their boss, or a co- worker will see them? You wouldn't want them working for you, there's no telling what they'd do! Wonder if a client sees them? Would you do business with someone who'd employ somebody that lacking in common sense and humility? You wouldn't want them handling your 401k, let alone bagging your groceries.

You also stumble across "Gangstas" full of Christmas spirit as well. Timberland's. Baggy jeans held up by hand on crotch. Xxxl 50 cent t-shirt. Mr. T starter kit. Grill. Antler hat (worn crooked).

Have you ever seen a "Goth" kid making a Christmas statement? Knock off Doc Martins. Skin tight jeans (or parachute pants, if his girlfriend is wearing his skin tight jeans), Xxxl Rob Zombie t- shirt. Facial piercings. Antler hat (worn crooked).

One can observe some oddities whilst sitting in traffic as well. Yesterday I saw two cars with antlers hooked onto the driver and passenger windows. Last year we saw a biker astride his "hog" wearing his Santa outfit, complete with fake Santa beard. His pear shaped old lady was smashed up against him, wearing the obligatory Santa hat and Christmas light necklace (egad!).
Truck drivers apparently run these bikers over quite frequently. I've seen Santa smashed, spread eagle, on the grills of numerous 18 wheelers this year (along with two Grinch's). As if having a lighted Christmas wreath mounted on the grill of your 18 wheeler isn't bad enough.
I really feel sorry for those poor folks who, in an effort to make some extra cash (to pay for more presents), managed to scrape up a 2nd job at a local pizza joint or furniture store. Only to be sent out in the freezing cold wearing an elf suit and a spinning sandwich board.

There's also the poor fathers and grandfathers who, against their will, have been dragged out for a day of pure misery. They get the annual thrill of watching their bank accounts dwindle to nothing and their credit cards maxxed out. You see these guys faithfully manning their posts, the benches, chairs, and anything else with a flat surface big enough to handle a couple of cheeks. They're exhausted, depressed, and sometimes intoxicated. I can't blame them. Heck, they haven't even paid off last years bills. Later they'll be at home. Exhausted, depressed, and certainly intoxicated, watching lame Christmas movies! The brain numbing effect from the booze can inoculate you from the permanently brain numbing effect of the average Christmas movie. In fact, the typical Christmas movie is liable to drive you out of the house, running for the nearest mall.